Who needs magic, swords or The Voice? Just eat your beans!

• [Spoken Intro]
• [grave storytelling]

• Every warrior fears something.

• [pause]

• Some fear dragons.
• Some fear draugr.
• Some fear what waits in the dark.

• [long pause]

• And some…

• Have travelled with a man
• Who ate three bowls of beans.

• [Verse 1]

• We left from Whiterun early,
• With swords and packs and shields,
• We’d breakfasted on venison
• And beans from Rorik’s fields.

• The Dragonborn ate three full bowls,
• Then grinned and asked for more,
• And every person around the fire
• Headed for the door.

• [Chorus]

• Oh, beware the Beanwind when it blows,
• For every seasoned traveller knows,
• You can stand before a dragon,
• You can face a giant’s swing,

• But there’s nowhere safe in Skyrim
• When the Beanwind starts to sing.

• [Verse 2]

• We reached an ancient barrow
• Where the dead had slept for years,
• The air was cold and silent
• As we crept without fear.

• [tension builds]

• Then somewhere in the darkness
• Came a rumble, deep and slow.

• [accelerating pulse]

• The Dragonborn stopped walking
• And quietly said,

• [sudden stop]

• “Oh no!”

• [comic release]

• [silence]

• [Spoken Reactions]

• “Divines help us!”

• “I feel ill!”

• “I hope that was a dry one!”

• [Chorus]

• Oh, beware the Beanwind when it blows,
• For every seasoned traveller knows,
• You can stand before a dragon,
• You can face a giant’s swing,

• But there’s nowhere safe in Skyrim
• When the Beanwind starts to sing.

• [Verse 3]

• Draugr dropped their weapons,
• Then fled the room,
• A Deathlord cursed the living
• And climbed back in his tomb.

• The spiders left their webs,
• The skeevers ran outside,
• And Lydia, sworn to carry burdens,
• Dropped her pack and cried.

• [Female Spoken Reaction]

• “I am sworn to carry your burdens.
• Not breathe them.”

• [Verse 4]

• We never fought the guardians,
• We never drew a blade,
• For everything that woke ahead
• Fled rather than stay.

• No fire scorched the burial halls,
• No Thu’um shook the stone,
• The Dragonborn just walked in front
• And cleared the tomb alone.

• [tension builds]

• [accelerating pulse]

• [sudden stop]

• [comic release]

• [silence]

• [Spoken Reactions]

• “That smells like Lydia’s Apple Cabbage Stew!”

• “I think my armour is melting.”

• [Chorus]

• Oh, beware the Beanwind when it blows,
• For every seasoned traveller knows,
• You can stand before a dragon,
• You can face a giant’s swing,

• But there’s nowhere safe in Skyrim
• When the Beanwind starts to sing.

• [Instrumental Break]

• [Verse 5]

• We reached an ancient chamber
• Beyond a rusted gate,
• Retrieved the relic we came for
• And chose not to tempt fate.

• We turned to make for daylight,
• And hurried for the door,
• While somewhere far behind us
• The Deathlord begged,

• [pause]

• “Please, no more!”

• [Verse 6]

• So hear me, people of Skyrim,
• And travellers passing through:
• Be wary what you’re eating
• Before adventure calls to you.

• For steel may stop a sabre cat,
• And wards stop magic things,
• But nothing stops a Nord who’s fed
• And lets the Beanwind sing.

• [Final Chorus]

• Oh, beware the Beanwind when it blows,
• The foulest thing that Skyrim knows,
• It emptied halls of draugr
• That had stood since ancient kings.

• [sudden stop]

• [spoken]

• Alduin feared the Dragonborn,

• [long pause]

• And perhaps we know what that means.

• He wasn’t frightened of the Thu’um…

• [tension builds]

• [accelerating pulse]

• [dramatic whisper]

• He’d heard about…

• [rapid acceleration]

• the beans.

• [sudden stop]

• [final comic release]

• [Spoken Reactions]

• “Thank The Nine it wasn’t four bowls.”

• “You don’t need armies if you have lots of beans!”

• [long silence]

• [End]