Homestead Farm, Lookout Camp: Confusion, No more swords, A camp of memories.
I woke to the sounds of Meeko and Sorella playing some game only dogs and children understand.
Rigmor was also up and about.
I wonder what she thought of this big hairy Nord fast asleep on the chair next to her?
“Guardian? Pffft! I don’t see no Guardian!”
I walked into the main room and was greeted by Sigunn and Baa’Ren-Dar sitting at the table.
I sat and asked Sigunn how Rigmor was and if she had calmed down.
Sigunn thought she had and that I should speak to her on the front porch.
Rigmor was sitting in a chair staring straight ahead. She hadn’t even noticed me walking up to her. I startled her a bit when I said “Hey!”
Rigmor returned the greeting and I asked if she was feeling any better.
She said she thought so and started to apologise about last night.
I quickly told her no need and everything is fine.
Sigunn had told Rigmor that I was her Guardian and had rescued her.
I told her she is safe now and that is the most important thing.
Rigmor wanted to know if they will come for her again.
I assured her the farm was safe. Riften had a large garrison. Lydia and Meeko guarded the farm. Angi could shoot arrows in people’s heads and Yngol’s Camp was not far away.
Rigmor told me she had a recurring dream. I asked her to describe it. As these things are sometimes premonitions I have entered it verbose.
“There’s a little girl, I can hear her crying. She is all alone in the dark. I can’t see her so I follow the sound of her sobbing. I find her, she has her back to me and I approach. She wants me to hold her hand. I take it and then she leads me to a battlefield. The sky is black and rain is pouring down. There is a terrible storm but she keeps pulling me forward. I don’t want to follow her. She wants to show me something. I’m scared and let go of her hand and wake up every time.”
I asked if she recognised her and she didn’t. I told Rigmor she had been through a lot.
Rigmor was worried about her memories and how everything is vague. She had even forgotten what I knew were her most precious memories. Those of her childhood.
I enquired if she had spoken to her mother or Baa’Ren-Dar about this.
Although she knew she loved them in her heart she had difficulty connecting with them. Rigmor felt something was wrong. She felt guilty and did not know why. Uncertainty was the only thing connecting us. She was confused.
I was not worried about losing her love. I knew it would return. After her outburst the previous night I needed to know how she felt about me.
Comfortable. Protected. Safe. Rigmor said she needs all that, a Guardian.
I told her she used to call me Dragonborn and asked if she remembered.
She didn’t. Rigmor thought she might be rediscovering a lot of things. She was going to take a walk to try and clear her head.
She walked in the direction of the water. I knew Lydia and Meeko were keeping a watch on her so entered the farmhouse.
Baa’Ren-Dar asked if Rigmor’s memory was coming back. Sigunn wanted to know is she recognised them.
I reassured Sigunn that Rigmor knows she is her Mom and that both are loved dearly.
Baa’Ren-Dar suggested that something from the recent past might jog her memories and Sigunn agreed.
I told them she had been severely traumatised and that it may take some time.
Sigunn wanted to know if Rigmor remembered who I was.
I told them everything is vague and confusing. That Rigmor seems hesitant to go back.
Sigunn thanked the Gods Rigmor was alive and well.
Baa’Ren-Dar suggested I take Rigmor to visit some places she might recognize. It may help with her recovery. He also told me our outlaw status was revoked and to take care.
I told him that is a great idea. I suggested I might take her to the College of Winterhold as well since she expressed interest in visiting.
I promised Sigunn I would take good care of Rigmor on the trip.
Sigunn gave me hunters clothing and a sword for Rigmor to use.
I told them I will go see if she wished to do some travelling. If so we will set out immediately.
I found Rigmor sitting on a bench near the water. I asked if I could join her and got an “Aha!”
After I sat next to her she told me how she loves it by the lake. How it fills her with a wonderful sense of freedom. She wanted to know if we had been here before.
I told her yes but a little further up near Riften.
Rigmor regretted she could not remember. How weird it was to know Angi and Sorella have been a large part of her life but she could not recall any moments with them. How her life was like a book with nothing on the pages.
I hoped Rigmor did not see the flicker of shock on my face. My life is exactly like that empty book and that is why I started this journal.
I told Rigmor that Baa’Ren-Dar suggested we revisit places she had enjoyed to help jog her memories.
Rigmor expressed real enthusiasm for the idea.
I also suggested we might visit the College of Winterhold as well. I said she once told me she wanted to visit there.
Rigmor wanted to know if we could take the horses. Told her we can but she needed to change into the hunters outfit first.
She quickly ducked behind a stable wall, changed, and re-emerged looking like Angi’s twin sister.
I was relieved she was out of that dress. It kept reminding me of her lying on that dais. Bastards!
I told her she looked great, which she honestly did. I tried to hand her the sword.
She said she couldn’t take it.
Not sure what was going on I try to reason with her. That it was for her own protection.
She pleaded that she was not ready for it.
I felt so sorry for this woman. I did not want to hurt her or risk her recovery. I told her it is alright and I will keep her safe.
Rigmor explained I was the same as the others. That she did not know why she said those things the night before. She feels like she has known me all her life but can’t recall the moments.
I assured her it is all OK. There is no need to explain herself to me.
She said she feels safe with me and she will follow.
I suggested we go to the outlook where she once picked flowers.
We mounted out horses and set out to find Rigmor’s memories.
It was a magnificent day for a ride through some of the prettiest countryside in Riften.
Rigmor did not say much but every time I looked back her head was swivelling as she tried to find anything to jog her memories.
When we reached Ivarstead she looked up at the mountain with the same awe as last time. She did not comment on it though. I still had a great desire to take her to the High Hrothgar courtyard so she could see Skyrim from the tallest mountain in Tamriel.
When we reached the camp Rigmor was excited. She exclaimed everything was as she remembered. She then walked to the viewing platform.
I said to Rigmor familiar words from last time we were here, “That’s quite a view huh!”
Rigmor knew this was the last place we visited before it all went wrong. She remembered the dress and picking the flowers.
She remembered keeping the flowers and leaving me a trail when I got hurt. She hoped I would follow them and come for her.
I told her I saw them and followed them. How I have them under a press of books at the farm so I can preserve them. I explained how it was too late and she had already gone.
I did not want to burden her that I was more than just hurt. At the moment that was not important.
She asked if we had been tricked by him (Tilar).
I ashamedly admitted, “Yes.”
She wanted to know if he was still alive.
I told her yes. We were starting to encroach on dangerous memories. I suggested we sit by the fire and discuss it more. Rigmor wanted to enjoy the view longer she said. So I sat by the fire waiting for her.
I knew the view was not the reason. She wanted time to process the new memories as they flooded into her conscience. I hoped she did not remember what a prick I was that day. She might not want to hold a sword so might just settle for scratching my eyes out.
She eventually approached and sat on the stump next to my chair. She still had a slightly puzzled look.
I asked Rigmor is she remembered singing me a song.
Like the Rigmor of old she said, “Yeah right! In your dreams.”
I told her it was true. How she stood next to the fire and sang. How it was a very special moment for me.
She was still hesitant to believe me and I told her I would not lie.
I suddenly wondered if I had ever outright lied to Rigmor. Not a single time I could recall!
Rigmor remembered she had told me her name and how she had to change it for her Mom’s safety.
Now came the part I dreaded. I knew she would have to remember them to move forward. I saw these memories tear new wounds and almost wept. I had to stay strong. She needed that more than a blubbering barbarian.
She whispered, “They killed my Dad Guardian…” then stated she did not want to remember.
I told her it is OK and not to be afraid of whom she is. That there is so much more to tell about her life.
She wanted to know what I knew about her.
I was certainly not going to mention royal blood. I don’t even think Sigunn knows about that.
I told her she was a fine warrior and her father would be proud.
Rigmor said part of her fits the description of warrior but it seems so long ago she has doubts. She did not want to envisage it right now or forever.
I hated telling her but we had to face facts. I told her she might have to be that warrior again soon.
She did not want to talk about that subject any more. Rigmor wanted to know what else I know of her.
I told her that she can be very stubborn!
She laughed! The beautiful sound that first captured my heart. She is starting to emerge from the fog of her mind. I told her she was doing great and not to hold back.
Rigmor was worried she may never see Cyrodiil again. She understood her memories will contain things she would rather not have back if she had the choice. Things about herself for which she carries the scars. Some things she is not proud of.
To me that sounded like every sentient being on Nirn.
Rigmor was no longer angry, just very tired.
I suggested she go have a rest in the tent for a few hours. I will happily take up my usual Guardian position and she will be safe.
I told her she will not be facing these things alone. And I’ll be there if she needs me.
She thanked me, entered the tent and fell asleep almost immediately.
This process seemed cruel to me. Some of these memories are not going to slowly reveal themselves and thus lesson the shock. They are going to come barging in with all their associated feelings.
After a couple of hours I woke Rigmor. I suggested we visit Whiterun and get a meal there.
Rigmor really likes that idea. She had never been there before.
We were soon on our way and the beautiful weather continued so that everywhere you looked, beauty could be found.
2 thoughts on “Turdas, 11th Heartfire, 4E 201 Part One:”
Well done! Working through PTSD is very difficult. Love your take on how the Dragonborn thinks. Keep up the great Work!
Thanks. It would be hard to watch the memories cause new pain. I suspect a lot of people would not try and help their loved one for that very reason.