Just outside Riften: Loneliness.
I am writing this and putting it in my journal in the hope that one day you will read it. I would love to write a letter but vowed I wouldn’t. It would never get to you anyway.
I am doing as The Divines command. I am proud of how I have conducted myself. I value the loyalty and friendship of those around me.
I still have no idea who I was. I know who I am. I am a highly efficient killing machine. The specially crafted tool needed by The Divines to work their will and keep the mortals of this planet safe. It is a noble cause and I feel privileged to have been chosen.
Why was I chosen? What is so special about me? The gifts I received from Akatosh are not enough to keep me motivated to do what is right. It would be so much easier to work with Daedra and accept their riches and rewards. I have dealt with a Dragonborn who did exactly that and I can see what turned him.
The Divines are asking so much of me and it is only my love of the common people and the knowledge that one day we will meet again that keeps me going. They were never going to tell me that. It took a rogue aspect of Talos to give me the hope I need to keep going without you.
So far the most help I have received is from Daedra. Azura and Boethia at least tell me what is expected and if I have succeeded. I have to guess what The Divines want and hope I have done what was needed.
You would like the school and orphanage I have made with the help of many people. Some of the children we have rescued were in very dark places. Speaking to them they all had thoughts similar to yours. Constantly asking when a loved one will find them and take them away. Turning their fear and tears into giggles and laughter is so rewarding and each one is a win against the chaos the Daedra revel in.
I have seen some wonderful sights and met incredible people. I have seen good triumph over evil over and over and I know that is the natural state of this planet and our existence. If left alone we would all be surrounded by love and laughter. It is only the immortals who seed the chaos and evil.
I am sitting just outside of Riften. Where you taught me to look into the light reflecting off the water. Taught me to look for wisdom and answers in such simple beauty.
It is the first day of the New Year. Everybody around me is full of hope for the future and that past problems will fade away. Unfortunately all I can think of is facing it without you. I will see evil and suffering and not have you to show me the beauty. I need you to balance this world for me. To drag me from the darkness with a simple kiss or touch of your hand. To look into your eyes and see the love you have for me is what I need. I need to hear your voice.
When we made love that night we were truly alone. No fate, no destiny, just two souls entwined for eternity. I doubt I will ever again experience such peace and sense of right until I am in your arms again.
I am not allowed to contact you and I have no doubt any attempts by you to contact me will be stopped. I understand why. I understand that The Divines are playing a long term game of manipulation and create destinies for those who never asked for them. I understand they have to accept collateral damage and that the good of the many outweighs the good of the few. Understanding does not make our separation any easier to live with. I will never be comfortable with it.
I have no idea how you are doing. I have a plan to find out and it will annoy The Divines and they will worry about me going rogue. I will prove to them I am loyal but I also need to know about you.
Know this. I will never love another. We are meant to be together. I know this with every fibre of my being. I pray to The Divines to give me the strength to wait till they let me know it is time for me to travel to Cyrodiil. The weight of responsibility is overwhelming and keeps me from making the steps I so wish to make towards you and our love.
I will now stare into the light on the water for a while. I might go visit the market and just sit with my eyes closed and listen to life. I will go back home to the simple love of my dog and the pure joy of children at play. These things give me the incentive to keep going. The do not wash away the stains on my soul from the work I do. Only your can do that my beloved.
Till fate and destiny determine we can be together once more.
Wulf, Champion of The Divines but more importantly, beloved of Rigmor who shares my soul.